Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me opening up to someone

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

I could NOT have put it better myself.

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.