Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show