I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
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I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.