*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
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“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Received some very disappointing news today
My new favorite headline
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.