I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
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*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required