Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

felt cute might bury dad later idk

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened