Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

why isn’t he texting back

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.