Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)