Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

My typo game is string.

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

My birthstone is pecan pie.

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.