I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.