I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
it was love at first sight
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.