Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car