Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.