Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optional boss fight.

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.