Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

Google Pay be like:

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”