Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.