I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Yup
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*