Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines