I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”