Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?