I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
You Might Also Like
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If snakes were wide
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Mountain Goat : )
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002