Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.