“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
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“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
This kinda thing happens to me often
that lip filler tho
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
BaD BoY!!
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?