I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
