I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Worlds greatest photobomb
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
🇺🇸🤭
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
