Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

(grounding my kid) go outside.

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.