I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
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Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.