@Just__J0

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

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@Mom_Overboard

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

@InternetHippo

[inventing dialup internet]
What should it sound like when it’s connecting?
[guy in the back stands up confidently]
Pterodactyls

@boxofhamsters

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

@ewfeez

[wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body]
What are you doing?
“Uhh, SOMEONE said I don’t glisten very well?”

@Jake_Vig

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

@PaperWash

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

@LlamaInaTux

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

@bridger_w

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.