I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
“We will wed,” I threatened
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.