Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol