[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
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[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.