Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

Look at this

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*