I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
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I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat