I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
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me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me: