Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

meow

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.