I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
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Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
🙁
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I got a sweater for Christmas.
I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.