I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
who did the taste test?
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
White parent Vs Arab parents
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.