I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
You Might Also Like
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Customer is always right
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
Cinema or bowling
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue