I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
what do you want
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street