I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
You Might Also Like
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend