I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Had a spot of bother earlier.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.