Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.