Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Thoughts

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.