I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
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If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?