I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?