Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.