I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
love pickles so much i put myself in one
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
British people
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.