I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.