Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based Erika

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*