Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

How actors in movies eat their food

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

My favorite farside!!

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁