I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Search History:
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How to stop armored cats
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
lmao
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
