Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

My safe word is Worcestershire

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.