Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

man: wait

time: no

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

what do you want!!!!!!!!