Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

#oldknees

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”