i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
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[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
(Jupiter –
[at the general store]
me: one general please
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’