i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
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friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.