Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.