Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

very niche meme I made

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

Just why bro?!

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?