i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it