I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
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Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
May have had one breakfast too many
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
A great tip. #CakeRex
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.