I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
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What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.