I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
You Might Also Like
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I like long walks away from everyone
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”