I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax