Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

The game has officially changed 😎

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?