Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip