I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
💀🤣
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.