Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

my astrological sign is a french fry

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.