I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
You Might Also Like
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
asking santa clause for nudes
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.