I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy